KI's Next Big Thing

Sorry no posts for a week, it was one of those times where I barely had time to think, let alone blog.

My office building sits right across the highway from Paramount's Kings Island, which allows me to sit and watch the coasters roll non-stop between April and November. During the off-season, they prepare for the park's new ride, and scramble to get it assembled as close to opening day as possible.

We've been watching for about a week now as trucks drop off sections of bright green roller coaster track into the parking lot. Rumor is, it is the X-Flight coaster from Geauga Lake, just up I-71 about 200ish miles.

I'm inclined to believe the rumor. X-Flight was closed at Geauga Lake at the end of the 2006 season, and PKI and Geauga Lake are currently owned by the same company, Cedar Fair. Cedar Fair, and their flagship park, Cedar Point, are all about the big coasters. Kings Island has cornered the market on kick-ass wooden coasters, but hasn't gotten a really big knock-your-socks-off steel coaster since the Vortex opened in 1987.

X-Flight is one of those "flying" coasters, where you ride it in a laying-down position hanging underneath the track rather than in an upright seated position. I found a video of approximately what the ride will be like once reassembled. I know that when it starts, it looks like the video is playing upside down. This is because this is a video of a different ride in a different park with a similar track but different seating style. In X-Flight, you sit down in a seat, and when the ride is ready to roll, the seat reclines to lay you on your back. You actually climb the first hill on your back, and when you get to the top, the track twists around so that you are then laying on your front, hanging underneath the track. So, the POV in this video is correct, if you have your head tilted back during the beginning and end of the ride instead of tilted down toward your toes.

Today's Fortune Cookie

Continuing the dark trend in recent cookies...

One must dare to be himself, however frightening or strange that self may prove to be.

What an odd idea that in the course of discovering your true self, you can actually frighten yourself with what you find.

Good Ol' Gary Larson

Border's bookstore had a clearance rack of 2007 calendars for $4. There were a few random wall calendars that hadn't been purchased yet, with themes like "Schnauzers" and "Scenes from the movie 'New York Minute'". To my surprise, there were also approximately 200 unpurchased "Far Side" page-a-day calendars, so I claimed one.

I've always loved the Far Side, and I miss seeing new cartoons in the paper every day. I can't figure out why that calendar would not be a huge seller, unless maybe people have forgotten how original and brilliant it was. Gary Larson should take a page from Berkeley Breathed's book, and take pen to paper again after a prolonged hiatus.

So, I tore out the first half of the January pages in order to catch up with today's date, and read each one like an old friend. Here is my favorite of the first 18 days:

I especially love the look on the dog and cat's faces as they come to grips with the fact that their owner is an imbecile.

Today's Fortune Cookie

This is the most surprising fortune cookie that I've ever received. It reveals a dark side of the cookie that I've never before seen:

Only listen to the fortune cookie; disregard all other fortune telling units.

Yes Master!

Simon Cowell doesn't listen to Bob & Tom

I had to watch the season premiere of American Idol last night. HAD to. The early auditions are the best part. I usually wind up losing interest halfway through the "real" competition, the viewer voting part, and I've never actually bought a CD churned out by any of the past Idols. However, those audition episodes are comedy gold. I'm not sure what possesses all of those tone-deaf halfwits to appear on national television screeching like a howler monkey getting a prostate exam, but I'm overjoyed that they do.

I think that Fox has figured out what the early American Idol audience is tuning in to see. There were supposedly 17 vocalists from that Minneapolis audition who were invited to the next round in Hollywood, but I think that we saw only 4 of them in the entire 2 hour episode. The remainder of it was the musical train wrecks.

I think I now know how the ancient Romans felt when they flocked to the Colosseum to watch hapless Christians being thrown to the lions. You feel bad for them, yet can't look away as they are disemboweled by the lion. Or in this case, a prissy, snide, and vain Englishman.

My favorite moment of the night came when a young man named Troy stepped up to audition. He described himself as "Urban Amish". I suppose it was a fitting description, as he was dressed in a baggy, wrinkled suit, a large floppy hat, and had about a year's worth of crazy scraggly beard going on. I wasn't expecting anything too great when he prepared to sing, but to my surprise, he proceeded to sing one of the songs from the Bob & Tom radio show:

You Can Be Mean to Me

You can be mean to me,

mean as you want to be.

just say anything that you like.

You can be nasty and catty,

and cruel and unusual.

Twist my nose with your fingers,

trip me while i carry liquids.

But as you pin me down,

my arms down on the ground,

and your spit drips into my face,

deep in the back of your mind

remember at some point you'll have to fall asleep.

And when you fall asleep,

into your room I'll creep.

Did something move in the dark 'neath your bed?

And then a voice you hear,

its calling loud and clear,

a voice that is your own,

a voice thats saying "aaaargh!!"

The catalogue I found

sells roaches by the pound

a package of indellible dye

why would a guy such as I

ever buy indellible dye

blue as the sky, don't ask me why

There's things that one can do

with ben-gay, nair, and super-glue

don't the thought just give you a thrill

I think the meek shall inherit

because they'll stay up late and change the will

And when you fall asleep,

into your room I'll creep.

Did something move in the dark 'neath your bed?

And then a voice you hear,

its calling loud and clear,

a voice that is your own,

a voice thats saying "aaaargh!!"

Now, they only let him sing up to the "roaches by the pound" part before they cut him off. I was rolling. Simon Cowell's response was "What the hell was that?"

That, Simon Cowell, was damn good television.

You say you want a revolution

Alright, I was at BP on my lunch hour getting gas for under $2 a gallon for the first time in over a year. As I’m filling up, I notice a guy come out of the store and hop into a car with a bumper sticker that says “Stop watching, start a revolution”. As I continue my observation, I notice his lack of a muffler, the mismatched paint colors on the doors and hood, and the way that his bald tires spin in the freshly fallen snow. This makes me think- Why is it that almost everybody in the US clamoring for a “revolution” drives a piece-of-crap car?

I mean, you rarely see a Lincoln Town Car tooling down the highway with an “Anarchy” bumper sticker.

I think that for every person in this country who has the ability to work within our system to build a good and comfortable life, there are an equal number of people who think that they are completely incompatible with the establishment. Of course, there are a lot of people in a gray area in the middle, but you get the picture. If everyone who ever wanted to change the rules suddenly got their way, would the world be a better place for everyone, or just for those particular people?

It is that basic selfishness that prompts people to promote the rhetoric of political extremism on their rear bumpers for all to see. Despite what they claim, their real hope is not that the change they desire will make the world better, their hope is that the change will make their own personal lives better.

It is for that reason that our system of democracy works so well. Everyone has an opportunity to shape the government in the manner that they feel will be the biggest benefit to their own lives. If your political candidate loses, then perhaps you should think about adjusting yourself to adapt to society rather than demand that society adapt to you.

This is why I would not be caught dead publicly displaying a sticker for a long-defeated political candidate. There are still many thousands of people driving around with John Kerry stickers on their vehicles, in order to make a supposed “statement” about the current government. Those people are a bunch of selfish, crybaby, losers.

I have no delusions that my own political views are the ones that are the perfect solution for the whole of humanity. All I know is that my views are what is right for me. When my political party is in power, I can hope that the elected officials can make enough change to affect my life in a positive way. When my party is not in power, I can only hope that things do not change drastically, but I have to accept that my opinion is the minority at the time, and concede that the majority has the right to shape society in the way that they see fit. I do not selfishly call for a “revolution”.

Now, don’t get me wrong here. I’m not saying that we all have to be sheep conforming to the will of the masses. Nothing was ever accomplished that way. All I’m saying is that when your favorite candidate loses an election that is no reason to denounce the other half of the population “retarded” or to go burning things in the street. Be a little more open to other’s viewpoints unless you want to drive a piece-of-crap car for the rest of your life.

Run Lola Run

I recently created a new Special Interest Group within the Germania Society, and our first meeting was last night. It is the German Cinema Group, where I want to highlight and share the tremendous contributions that Germany has made to the Cinema world, and hopefully prove that there are (and were) excellent movies being produced outside of the confines of Hollywood.

So, the first movie that we watched last night was "Run Lola Run". I've seen it several times, but it was a new experience for several members of the group. The film explores the control that fate has over our lives, and displays the constant "what-ifs" that occur every moment and that can easily change the happenings of the next. The film follows the events between a woman, Lola, and her boyfriend, Mani, who she desperately tries to save from death by helping him obtain a huge amount of money he carelessly lost. It takes you on three different journeys with Lola, all controlled by fate, showing you what would happen in each, and all the "what-ifs" that provide the foundations for each outcome.

I have the next few months of movies planned out, and then I'm going to open the floor to suggestions from the group, although I have an additional 10-15 movies in mind for future screenings. Next month will be "Das Boot", followed by "Metropolis" in March and "Das Experiment" in April.

After that, I have a list of movies from the Weimar Republic era of the 1920's and early 30's that have stood the test of time as classics of cinema. Three more from the 20's, "The Cabinet of Dr Caligari", "Nosferatu" and "Faust", and two from the 30's, "The Blue Angel" and "M".

There will be plenty of room for modern German Cinema as well, such as, "Good Bye, Lenin!", "Aguirre, the Wrath of God" and "Downfall".

"Downfall" may be a touchy subject- Hitler isn't mentioned much, especially amongst the older members of Germania, and while I don't want to open old wounds, I feel that the movie itself warrants a viewing by the group.

In that same vein, I would very much like to schedule a viewing of the movie "Munchhausen". Filmed in 1943 at the height of the war, Joseph Goebbels wanted a huge extravaganza of a film for two reasons. First, to celebrate the 25th anniversary of UFA, the famous German film company which by then was under the control of Goebbels' Ministry of Propaganda. And second, Goebbels really wanted a major full-color film which would demonstrate the glories of German culture and technical artistry, one which would surpass films like The Thief of Bagdad and The Wizard of Oz. He settled on the story of Baron Munchhausen, gave the producers an unlimited budget, approved the hiring of a gifted screenwriter whose works he had banned and whose books he had burned, and saw to it that leading actors and actresses took part. Goebbels was given a hit by the moviemakers. When it was released he had already made his famous speech about all-out war now being essential. Bombing attacks on Germany were happening with regularity. Germans flocked to this make-believe world of Munchhausen where they could forget what was beginning to dawn on them, that terrible times could be right ahead. It isn't about the Nazi war machine. In fact, it can be argued that UFA may have been poking fun at the Nazi Party with some of the symbolism in the film.

The history of the last 100 years of German culture is right there waiting for us. One movie at a time.

Today's Fortune Cookie

It is really less of a fortune, and more of an observation on life:

Life is like playing the violin in public and learning the instrument as one goes on.

An interesting similie on the the mistakes one makes while growing up. The "folly of youth".

Heinlein Wisdom

We had a good time last night at the book group discussing Double Star.

Brenda brought printouts for everyone with lots of notes about Robert A. Heinlein and his works. One section of this was a list of Heinlein's more famous quotes. I now have a new favorite quote:

Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.

Pearls of wisdom!

Double Star

Robert Heinlein’s Double Star is an interesting ride. It would make a good Tom Clancy political conspiracy novel, if it wasn’t for the fact that it takes place almost primarily on Mars and the moon.

A down-and-out but talented actor, Lawrence Smith, aka Lorenzo Smythe, aka “The Great Lorenzo”, has been hired to play an impersonation role. He doesn’t know any of the details before accepting the job, but his arrogance, curiosity, and financial situation get the better of him. It turns out to be an impersonation job for one of the top politicians in the Empire, who has been kidnapped. If this politician does not attend a certain meeting at a specific time, it will have disastrous consequences throughout the solar system.

That’s the plot in a nutshell. Of course, things go from bad to worse for Smythe. Each time that he thinks that he’s made his last public appearance as the Honorable Joseph Bonforte, he learns that the situation has once again changed, and he has a duty to continue the part. The show must go on.

I was reminded of the famous line from The Godfather part III, “Just when I thought I was out--they pull me back in!”

Not everyone in the galaxy is fooled by the performance, including the Emperor himself, but it seems that the well-being of the political machine is vastly more important, and the ruse is continued.

The pacing is excellent, although it never really reaches a level of intense excitement that is found in today’s political thrillers. Rather than leading to an intense action-packed climax, the story instead buries Lorenzo Smythe deeper and deeper into his predicament.

The amazing thing about the story was the gradual change in this main character over the course of the entire narrative. He begins the novel as an arrogant and rude thespian, reminiscent of the funny Jon Lovitz character from Saturday Night Live (“Acting!”). However, the more he studies the role that he is to constantly play, we find that the personality of Lorenzo Smythe is disappearing, being swallowed whole by the personality of his “character” Joseph Bonforte. Near the end, the thoughts and concerns of Smythe are completely different than those near the beginning; it is a complete transformation. It is an interesting idea that one can be such a great actor that they would voluntarily allow their natural identity and personality to be completely replaced by that of another.

There are some interesting sci-fi elements to the story as well, although they are clearly influenced by a 1950’s way of thinking. Take 1950’s politicians and put them on Mars, and you have Double Star. I thought that his ideas about the native Martians were brilliant, in both their physical shape, and the rules of their society. It is a culture where the rules of propriety are followed so strictly that simply being late for an appointment is grounds for the death penalty.

Overall, it is a quick and entertaining read, and leaves a lasting impression upon the reader.

In Defense of Tigger

As I did not wake up with my head in the sand this morning, I have been riveted to the latest offering of "news" from every media outlet on the planet. "Tigger" the lovable Disney scamp with a penchant for the bouncy-bouncy (wink, wink, nudge, nudge, say no more), supposedly sucker-punched a 14 year old kid this weekend at Walt Disney World in Orlando.

Of course, good ol' Dad is wasting no time assembling the legal team in what could be the trial of the century. Or the week, I forget which one is shorter.

At any rate, this kid's dad, hereafter known as "douche-Dad", got the whole thing on video. The only YouTube uploads of the video are the edited for news versions, where they are only showing the actual "punch" itself, without any of the lead-in. WFTV, Channel 9 in Orlando, seems to be the only station with the balls to put the whole unedited video online.

Here it is. However, I don't know how long that link will be good.

If you were able to watch that video, please note two important things:

1) After the first Tigger photo-op with this family, there is a lot of upside-down camera time, where you hear douche-Dad talking to both his family members and to Tigger. It is apparent from what he is saying that things are already not going well for Tigger at that point. Lots of "Oops, I'm on your head, sorry Tigger" and that sort of thing.

2) Please, take a look at the 14 year old kid in question. I can sum up this kid in one word:

punk-ass-bitch

Is that one word or three? I going to count it as one 'cause it's hyphenated.

Look at the way that he's dressed. He's wearing a wife-beater t-shirt, baggy jeans with a big wallet chain, and fingerless leather gloves. Fingerless leather gloves for Christ's sake! Who the hell dresses like that to go to Disney World? It is apparent that the douche didn't fall far from the douche-tree.

Look, I'm not saying that Tigger bitch-slapped the little punk just because he was dressed like a little punk. What I'm saying is that I've seen enough little punk-ass kids like this in my life to know exactly how they act when they get into wholesome family situations. They act like an obnoxious little punk. If you can watch that video and think that this kid isn't doing something snotty and rude with the arm behind Tigger's back, then you deserve a big Tigger-slap too. It is actually not even clear whether the Tigger-slap was on purpose, or if he was just turning around in reaction to the unseen abuse going on behind him.

Here's what needs to happen in this situation. First, douche-Dad needs to quickly and quietly drop the lawsuit. Second, he needs to take his family back home to New Hampshire. Third, he needs to Tigger-slap the hell out of his delinquent son until all of the punk is knocked out of him.

The problem with so many of these god-awful parents these days is that they don't think that their kids are capable of being the horrible little demon-spawn that they are allowing them to grow up to be. These kids could be in a back alley, beating a homeless person to death with baseball bats, and Mom and Dad would call the police to arrest the homeless person for "harassing" their darling little angel.

If I'd been at Disney that day, I probably would have smacked this little punk too. Just on principle.

Adopting the Retired Racing Greyhound

This is an article of mine originally printed in the Mencinnatian, November 2005.

Shortly after moving from a two-bedroom condominium to a large, empty and old house, my wife began expressing her desire to get a dog. Being a cat person (or so I thought) at the time, I was skeptical that a dog would fit well into our household, and initially rejected the idea. Her hints and prodding eventually led me to begin doing research on different breeds. I stumbled upon the retired racing greyhounds purely by accident, and my heart instantly went out to them. The more I learned about the history and current plight of this breed, the more I knew that I would open my home to one of these beautiful hounds.

Animal anthropologists generally agree that the greyhound - type dog is one of the original canine breeds from which virtually all domestic dogs descend. They can be traced back over 8000 years to early cave drawings and decorative artifacts. The distinguishable modern greyhounds are descendants of an ancient identifiable breed that goes back to the Egyptians and Celts. The Egyptians worshipped greyhounds as a god and frequently showed them on murals in the tombs of kings. In old England "You could tell a gentleman by his horses and his greyhounds." Old paintings and tapestries showing hunting feasts frequently included greyhounds.

Legend has it that Cleopatra had coursing greyhounds, and they are the goddess Diana's hunting hounds. Modern history has been filled with famous greyhound owners including Frederick the Great, Prince Albert, and Generals Von Steuben and Custer.

The derivation of the term greyhound is unknown, but has nothing to do with color. One possibility is that it is from old English gre-hundr, meaning dog hunter or high order of rank. Over the centuries, greyhounds have traveled with explorers and generals, adorned the suites of kings and queens, appeared in fine art and literature, and been the focus of major industries in both Europe and the United States.

In the tenth century, King Howel of Wales declared that the penalty for killing a greyhound was the same as that of killing a person—death. But in the 21st century greyhounds in the racing world are prized for only one thing—speed. According to the Humane Society, in 2000, an estimated 19,000 greyhounds were killed. This includes 7,600 greyhound puppies who were farm culls, and another 11,400 "retirees" who were not rescued. Other greyhounds are either returned to breeding facilities to serve as breeding stock, or sent to foreign racetracks, sometimes in developing countries with appalling track conditions.

Greyhounds are at a disadvantage even before they are born. Tens of thousands of greyhounds are bred annually, many more than are needed to race, in an attempt to create the fastest dogs. The greyhounds are then "weeded out"—killed if they are at any time determined unable to become racetrack stars. As awareness of the plight of greyhounds grows, rescue groups have formed all over the country in an attempt to place unwanted greyhounds into loving homes.

We found our greyhound, Cindy, through the Team Greyhound Adoption of Ohio rescue organization. After reviewing our application, checking our references, and inspecting our home, their representative reviewed with us the available dogs, and which ones would be a good match. Several factors were considered in selecting our dog, such as our three cats, the fact that we do not have a fenced yard and the number of steep staircases in our house. Cindy was determined to be a perfect match, and we would be able to take her home as soon as she was “paroled” from Marysville State Prison.

Greyhounds require a period of adjustment when first leaving the racetrack. They have come in contact with few people other than their trainers, and have never experienced stairs, cats, or any other breeds of dogs. Team Greyhound Adoption of Ohio has a cooperative agreement with the Ohio Department of Rehabilitation and Correction. Inmates are rewarded with the privilege and responsibility of caring for a dog for a three-month period. While the dogs are at the facility they will each have one handler and a helper whose job will be teaching the dogs general manners and basic obedience skills. The goal is that when the dogs leave the program they will know how to walk nicely on a lead and obey the basic commands of sit, down, stay and come. In addition, the dogs are gradually introduced to stairs, and shown how to climb and descend an entire staircase.

The adjustment period continues once the greyhound arrives at their new home. They are accustomed to their “home” being a 3x4 foot crate, and anything else being “outside.” They will quickly learn the distinction between indoors and outdoors, but one should be prepared for the occasional mistake in the first few weeks.

Greyhounds cannot be kept as outside pets because as sight hounds, they will run at the slightest movement and can easily lose their way. They should be walked as often as necessary as would be any other dog. A fenced area is ideal. At first, they know nothing except running and eating, so they need special considerations for glass doors, wood floors, steps, and other household adventures. They are like full-grown puppies, learning as they go along.

Cindy has been with us for four years now, and is a fully-integrated member of the family. Seeing my dog experience the joy of lying down on a big soft bed for the first time is one that I would not want to have missed.

Fun With Photoshop

Every year, my co-worker Doug visits his family in Kansas at Christmas. He has a cute little "tradition" with his niece that each year they have a dress-up tea party.

Each year, he posts the pictures of this tea party to his moblog.

Each year, I take one of the photos, remove his niece from the picture, and replace her with Sean, our network administrator here at work. It turns an embarassing but sweet photo into a hilarious but twisted photo in one easy step.

Before:

After:

The Talisman on TNT

Well, this isn't exactly "breaking news" since it's been out for a month now, but it's breaking news to me 'cause I just heard it (thanks Brenda!). They're finally making a movie version of the King/Straub modern classic The Talisman.

Here's the story.

This is absolutely my favorite book of all time. It's my stranded-on-a-desert-island-what-book-would-you-bring book.

I am happy that they've decided to produce it in miniseries format. The story is way too complex to try to pare it down to 2 hours. That would have been a disaster. Three 2 hour movies (LOTR style) would have been the best news of all for Talisman fans, but a 6 hour miniseries will do just fine.

Now to start worrying. On the plus side, they've gotten Spielberg to helm it, and he has a good track record for producing miniseries. Think Band of Brothers and Taken. On the other hand, TNT's track record for producing Stephen King fables has been spotty at best. Remember the horrible Salem's Lot from a couple years ago, and the mediocre at best Nightmares and Dreamscapes?

I was a big fan of Lord of the Rings well before the movies. Peter Jackson did not disappoint, and kept the magic and imagination of those stories alive in a new form. If TNT and Spielberg take a big crap all over The Talisman, it will just ruin everything.